The unexpected – Fiction to reality

There are not many experiences I’ve gone through in my hate affair with panic/anxiety attacks but If you ask me to categorise this next experience I’d class it as ‘What the ……….!!’ This was not long ago and let me tell you: I don’t want it happening again!!
It was a Friday evening, around 20:00 when my fiancée and I decided to call round to her mates house. Her mate was heavily pregnant (the baby has been born now 🙂 he’s a cracker!) couldn’t get out so we called over for a cuppa and a chat. They talked nappies, the daddies talked cars, football and boobies… That’s how it goes yeah? 🙂
As we got there, we were greeted by them both, also two of my fiancées other friends were there sitting on the sofa. Ok… nothing to be wary of, just four ladies the husband and myself…. I know them all pretty well.
The ladies got chatting in the background while the two of us watched a film.
After about half hour the talking stopped and the ladies asked if they could watch a programme called Eastenders, Basically a soap based in the east end of London where they all eat fish and chips and can drink bottles of whiskey on the head if upset by any other street member!!
Well anyway, we were all sat there three on one sofa three sitting opposite on the other sofa watching these cockneys when all of a sudden a scene came on where someone ad stopped breathing and required cpr.
As this was happening I looked around the room and ten pairs of eyes were fixated! I took another look at this actress unconscious and without thinking, the sensation started!!! In my mind, with out a doubt I thought that was going to happen to me!!! I was having visions of paramedics rocking up resuscitating me! For drinking a cup of tea…..?
Are you kidding me?!?!  ‘Get yourself together, this is not real!’ I could feel the palpitations , started twitching , sweating… All this and trying not to let onto anyone that I was struggling. That sinking feeling of ‘here we go again, can’t go anywhere’ , then the frustration … That scene was still happening and the more I saw , the worse I was getting!! I needed a get out, I couldn’t just say that this programme has ruined me. I couldn’t look up, I didn’t want to! By this time, my fiancée had clocked my behaviour, winked at me and whispered ‘You ok?’
My reply was a wink back and a nod..
I was gone!!! I tried so hard to contain this,I took my magic sedative but it was too late.
By then it was just a case of see it out. I saw it out, but in the midst of all of that restraint and pure fright…. And this is the intensity of it, I had wet myself.
‘Ohh my god !!! What do you do now then clever clogs?!’
I was sat there for about five minutes, the panic had almost gone due to the sheer embarrassment of me say there with wet trousers!! I had a hooded jumper on and managed to pull it over the wet area. My partner asked again ‘are you ok?’ Again, I nodded…. Or shook rather.
I got up, with my jumper covering me, I said I was going to the toilet… Ha ha!! Good one, I’d already been!
Anyway, with that, I opened the front door shut it as gently as I could and ran !!
Our house is about a mile and a half away, I ran that in what in about a minute flat… Well it seemed , let’s not go kidding ourselves here!!
I cried almost all of the way home. I was angry, hurt, embarrassed, frustrated… I got home cleaned myself up and just sat on the bedroom floor with my head in my hands. Gutted, what will they think of me? How do I tell them? They knew I suffered with them, but not that I wet myself!!
Half hour later, after a phone call where I said ‘ I’m home!’, my fiancée comes running up the stairs saying that I was out of order , if I didn’t like her mates to just tell her…. As she turned the stairs, I think she realised that something was not right.
She sat next to me, hugged me and comforted me, I burst into tears and explained what had happened. We spoke briefly about it she was very understanding , I explained how I was watching Eastenders, somehow it became real and I fought an attack for twenty minutes because I thought it was going to happen to me…

So, I took the plunge. She said that she would make an excuse, but I felt the truth was warranted.
I text her mates (husband and wife) and said exactly what had happened. The husband replied ‘Fuck, that’s crazy, you should have said mate!’ Not that easy when I’ve just pissed your sofa buddy :/
The wife’s turn, I was expecting an understanding reply, but this reply took the embarrassment and frustration away kind of ….
‘Oi , pissy pants, is my company not good enough? don’t ever walk out of my house without saying goodbye!! It’s ignorant, next time I’ll make you shit your pants!! 🙂 don’t worry hope you’re ok xxx’.
Now that is friendship!! My fiancée best mate Ive known for four years, her husband too, I think he was in shock but still. I’d struggle to tell the very best of my friends without fearing the worst.
I guess this blog sticks in my mind up there with the worst experiences, I actually thought dying might have been a good option when the cockney lass was having cpr on the TV …
As I say in nearly all my posts, please feel free to talk if you suffer with any kind of anxiety and struggle to contain it. At the end of the day, the responses I received , were they bad? Me wetting myself was let me tell you!
I just want to help or let you know that you are not alone and you can overcome it. Talking helps massively!!
And I hope this blog helps you in any way.

Good night my friends,

Stay safe
🙂

4 Comments

    1. Thank you Hannah,
      That means a lot to me, knowing what you have experienced and to tell all is so brave and admirable.
      My only wish is that these blogs are helping people
      I’m not the greatest of writers, i just tell it like it is , hard hitting xx

  1. I just wanted to share some experience on this one in the hope it might help someone else and get the conversation started. Im not going to pretend my panic attacks are as bad as the one described here but I can relate to the fiction/reality situation. My attacks are more slow burners – the fiction plants a seed of doubt that eats away at me until I’ve pretty much reached an end of the world scenario. Funnily enough mine can be triggered by a TV show, usually a soap, which I have to confess I absolutely love. I relish in the drama, but now and again, it triggers a what if that happens to me? What if that is me? How can I twist that story line so it is me and my life? And it goes on and on until I’m convinced of the worst. Even more difficult is the news. Okay it’s not quite fiction but on a similar note it triggers panic. Everythinh applies to me – swine flu, bird flu, Ebola – it’s all been coming my way over the years along with being mugged, murdered, burgled etc. I hate myself for it because there are real people facing these problems and mine are all in my head. The worse thing is my anxiety triggers an obsession with something and to make me feel better I find myself having to read absolutely everything on it so I’m clued up and armed to fight it! (Sounds ridiculous but it’s what I do) The obsessiveness just stirs up the anxiety even more. The key to breaking it is to not let those little triggers get to you – shut the little Devils down before they get a hold. As my therapist said the thoughts are like are gremlin squatters trying to get inside your head and wreck the place so before they even get in batten down those hatches and don’t let them in! Easier said then done but if you can just nip them in the bud it will help. Tell yourself it’s not real, even if you feel that it is, assure yourself you are not thinking logically at that moment and put it aside and focus on something else if you can. I am no expert but this is my experience and I hope it helps someone.

    1. Thank you so much Anonymous!
      It’s amazi how we can focus on one minute detail of a fictional television programme, read an article and it sets off a huge sensation which leads to what I desceibe as ‘The worst feeling ever!’ I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. By you sharing again, I hope people are starting to take note and open up, we may all have anxiety but our triggers will differ.
      If we can share as much as possible, maybe we can slowly gain more strength , positivity and experience to fight our battles.

      Thank you 🙂 x

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