When days become your night time and night becomes your day time, unless you are working a permanent night shift, there is a problem.
The anxiety/panic had become so bad, I could only sleep when I was surrounded by familiar faces and voices. In my mind, there was theory.
I’m a happy person generally, always game for a laugh and a joke , love a giggle and have to see people smile.
However, I was having attacks so frequently that my mind was set on the next one being ‘the one’ to finish me.
So my thinking was, ‘if it is going to happen, why don’t I die while the sun shines, where I can see or here my family rather than just sneak off in the dark of the night with nothing but silence and not having any happiness…?’ A very odd way of thinking for a man in his twenties?! I’d imagine me thinking of it in my eighties or nineties or possibly not at all. I had planned where when and how (heart attack) I was going to die!
I have never told anyone this but it gave me some sort of comfort.
But let me tell you something, when you convince yourself that ‘it’s over’ it is a terrible place to be. I hate thinking of it, I’ve often asked my parents to end it!! Not meaning it thoroughly, but the phrase ‘just shoot me now Mam, please!’ The embarrassing scenes, the fright, the anger, frustration, the anticipation of dying. Please just fucking do it! I could not handle all of that and it was very consistent for a few years in my life.
I can describe the feeling of ‘it’s now’ as:
My whole life does not flash in front of me, (it may do when it happens, we’ll see) I cling onto anything and anyone who can calm me or take it away, I beg, I curse, I cry, I question almost everything, I then wait…….and it all feels unreal!! The physical and mental feelings are so strong, in my mind I think it can’t be real. How can all of that shit happen out of nothing? Is it a fucking joke my mind plays on me? Well it’s an awful joke if it is!
Then, my mask appears, 7.5 mg of Zopiclone, 20 minutes of riding the storm and then hiding behind my prescribed mask.
That would be my evenings……. but very often I’d not sleep!
In the days, I felt a little more comfortable , there was more to channel my thoughts and no silence, I’d find somewhere within a ears distance of any family members and put the 7.5mg mask on and sleep where I lay. At this time (daylight) id sleep more often. As I became more used to it obviously my days became my nights and my nights became unbearable 🙁
However, I did not know the havoc I was causing because of this situation my mind had created. I was keeping everyone awake, doing press ups and sit ups in the early hours, showering at 4am!! Much more.. Basically keeping my mind occupied until I could talk with someone. This is a huge reason of why I created this blog, it for sufferers, family members to talk and gain any form of understanding or comfort.
My family must have great patience! if my father would wake, I’d carry on. If he dare to say something, I’d throw it back in his face! Disgusting way to treat the best man I will ever meet!! I’d give it the ‘I’m ill, leave me be! You just don’t understand!’ Now that I read this, my stomach churns. But honestly I really couldn’t control it and I was a lost man.
To be fair, he kept his cool and didn’t once threaten to give me a clip (Not that he ever would). But can you imagine being woken up by your son, who’s in his twenties doing a body strength session in the room next door and then taking a 30 minute shower at 4 or 5 am when you are to start work at 6am?
What a selfish, disrespectful arsehole!
He’d be up at 5:30 with a smile though and head off to do a twelve hour shift in a factory. He did this for around three years.
Again, I cannot ever repay the patience and love shown to me by them (parents & siblings) I must have been a nightmare. No, I was!
Now the emotional side of writing this has got me, so I will stop. I think I have made my point.
The brain is the most powerful tool in the world and if you allow it, it can really fuck you over. I got screwed!!! So I hope you can relate to this in some way and get talking, let’s help each other 🙂
Good night/day wherever you are,
Take care 😉