There is no hiding place when the fear sets in

There is no hiding place when the fear sets in. That is a fact!

So instead of hiding, I am going to put every thought, feeling and emotion I have ever experienced into this blog. It has taken fourteen years and with a push in the direction from loved ones, here it is! I have a lot to share and hopefully you can relate and gain strength and confidence from what you read.

3rd October 2014, 04:06am:

I lay here confused angry and ask myself, what the fuck is going on? Why is this happening? Give me a break…… I don’t know who I am asking, but someone needs to answer me!

The weekend was good, there was no bad atmosphere or any reasons for me questioning my mortality right now, or at any given time in my lifetime. But I assure you, these thoughts and physical symptoms are horrible and dumbfounding! I have been laying by the side of my partner and my son all night (my son has night terrors and had a bad night) literally on the floor next to the bed. I’m feeling jealous that they both sleep so well, but happy that they actually sleep and also, they don’t have to see me in this way for a night at least.

My heart is racing, I feel dizzy, my fingers and toes feel numb, and due to the fright and confusion I have wet myself. I cannot get up as my limbs stiffen and the fright cripples me. Embarrassed? Yes. Tears? Yes. But tears of joy I’d say! I’ve come through another panic attack, I’m still alive and my son has not seen me in this way. My partner is fine about it, I couldn’t thank her enough for trying to understand.

It’s pretty hard to describe this cycle to the people closest to me without them having experienced it themselves (I wouldn’t wish it on anyone) we can all try to put ourselves in a situation that will help understand it better, but the best you can hope for is some encouragement or some pity. That’s not meant in a bad way either.

I tend to think about all of the doctors I have seen over the years….. I don’t mean this in a nasty way at all, or I do not want any pity, but unless you can talk sense or try to understand, please don’t try and palm people off with mental health ‘issues’ or ‘depression’ and a month’s prescription of anti-depressants. This is an illness that no doctor will cure with tablets. I believe this because I do not believe they practice thinking the same as another human, it’s impossible! Doctors’ will read their computer screens and then cure it for four hours maximum with the medication that has come up on their screens that best matches your symptoms. They will sedate your mind rather than train it. But then that is just masking the situation until the medication wears off and the next wave of anxiety sets in. I bet ‘general chat’ does not appear on their screens when they type in key words such as ‘panic attack’ or ‘anxiety’. That would be too difficult as some I have met in the last fourteen years do not seem human, some have seemed fed up and might possibly need a career change, some have given me the impression that they consider themselves to be too higher class to talk about the life and thoughts of an average fellow. Which is a shame, as the attention and words from a doctor could be the mask or the trigger that propels your thoughts and gives you a huge lift in confidence.

Being told you are depressed and need medication when you are not is frustrating to say the least! I believe I am not depressed, I think I live a normal life, I have good friends and family, I play football as well as keep fit but just have little blips of panic attacks, some of which just knock me that little bit harder, then if you were a man in your thirties that wets yourself while fully awake, fully aware and has no bladder problems you’d have feelings of anger, frustration and confusion now and again. I think. I’m sometimes crippled by an unwanted bout of fear that is all.  So if asking yourself ‘what the fuck is going on?’ Is classed as depression, then the whole world is depressed! I do not think a human being has never asked themselves ‘what the fuck is going on?’ At some point in their lives or still do for the smallest of things. Because when having attacks I think I am going to die, genuinely! It’s as easy as that. The end results of some panic attacks have left me in a heap for a day. The intensity of some drain me both physically and mentally. I believe it’s the severity of the words that tell a doctor ‘ohh fuck, he’s talking of death, he is depressed, medicate him now doc!!’

No, just talk!!!  It’s part of life, don’t hide away from it or class it alongside the plague, it’s ok to think. Some folk will think far more than others that’s for sure. If doctors have patience and a sense of humour, they will qualify far more in my opinion, rather than reading from a screen or handing out leaflets or tablets.

I will leave on that note, writing this has just taken my thoughts and made me feel a little tired 😉

Good night/morning (05:41am) 

Take care, speak soon

7 Comments

  1. Welcome Didi,
    You are not alone that is for sure 🙂
    My aim is simple, I want to help other sufferers of anxiety/panic.
    No doctors, no paying through the nose for hypnotherapy, CBT etc. I’ve been/seen a lot of GP’s, doctors, paid for therapy, hypnosis and CBT, it helped, but some can be and is costly. So if I can help one person not cure! for free, that will please me very much.
    14 years is a long time, I believe that I am qualified enough to provide help and support people, just by talking.
    Some sufferers maybe too shy to speak out, as I was. But with help and encouragement from close friends and family I am blogging about all of my experiences and I will not hold back. So hopefully the word spreads and people can gain strength and confidence from what they read on here.
    Please share if you know of anyone who may want to read talk and help me also.

    Anon

  2. I’m lead here awake reading you’re blogs and some of it is like flash backs of exactly what I have been through !!!, it’s unreal to know that there are so many other people out there that are sufferers! But you are right in soo many ways unless you are a sufferer and you have felt anxieti or had a panick attack you will never begin to understand how that person feels. And it’s such a relief to know that there are people that do understand and can relate to what you’ve been through and how you feel.
    I had my first panick attack a little over 7 yrs ago I had 3 children one whom was only 3 months old and I was feeling a little stressed so if I’m honest I had been talking to friends and they had recommend I go see my doctor and ask for what I would call them (happy pills) antidepressants although I didn’t feel depressed Just a little stressed!!! I went anyway I mean what harm could they do right !!!!! Wronge that was the start of a very dark part of my life !!! They gave me what was called citalopram which if you look up is especially for panick attacks which at the time I didn’t suffer with!!! So I took one tablet only one I never took another again but little did I know how that one tablet would affect my life !!! My story is soo long to tell I trust me I could stay up all night and Wright it all on here as I now have the confidence to do so !!! I am a survivor and it makes me very happy to know that there are people out there brave enough to come forward and share there story’s this is a great thing and will help others out there and hopefully give them the courage and strength to come forward and talk about it.i do not take any medication of any sorts other than paracetamol for a head ache I belive that medication like you do is not always the answer it just numbs the situation my doctor did not help me my hypnotherapist did not help and my counsellor did not help me all which I might add paid out of my own pocket because there not being enough help through the doctors other than them offering me more pills which I clearly did not want how do you explain your self to someone that just because your having panick attacks and anxieti that you are not depressed I am such a bubbly person anyone that knows me will tell you that!!! I have been rock bottom I have had the endless tears the the thinking that I’m going to die the beater blockers that took me down to 6 stone the endless nights of no sleep which I might add was when I felt the most scared and the most vulnerable to have a panick attack then the emptying of both ends which didn’t help as the my appetite had suppressed it’s self massively and the thinking that my loved ones were going to put me in a physic ward because although I knew I wasn’t depress they didn’t they on the outside could only see my pain .,But I am in a good place now and I didn’t need medication all I need was someone to listen I’ve researched and looked up so many ways I self taught myself to deal as best I could with panick attacks from listening to other people’s storys people like you have given people like me hope even down to just knowing you know how we feel you know what’s it’s like to be so scared you think your gonna die even though the worst that can happen is you fainting . People like you are an inspiration to me and many other sufferers you give us hope ,hope that we will have the confidence to over come this hope that we are not loosing our minds we are not in this alone and we do not always to we need to medicate you just need the strength to flip that switch it doesn’t control us we control it . Thankyou anon the world could do with more people like you wanting to share there storys and help Thankyou for finding the strength to do so

    1. Good evening Kerry,
      I hope that you are well.
      May I start off by writing, that you now have the confidence to open up and talk is amazing!! 🙂 I am a little emotional, but so happy.
      But may I clarify, I do not want to put anyone in the medical profession down. Its only one or two that have been a waste of time.
      But honestly, the way I see it, if one person replies, my blog is doing great!!!! So thank you.
      I do not think for one minute I am depressed, angry? frustrated? tired? its because of the unknown….. ‘What is happening to me??’
      The blogs will keep coming and I only hope that more people such as yourself, can open up a tiny bit, it helps me also, as I am in no way free of this.
      So if people would like to post anonymous, please feel free… But everyone has their ways of coping, hiding etc. Ive hidden away for too long and would hate to see another person in the situation we were in! agree?
      But again, I cannot thank you enough for the post, very moving.
      Keep posting and keep talking. DONT HIDE AWAY 🙂
      Have a lovely evening Kerry.
      Speak soon and take care
      x

      1. Thankyou anon i will. I think I just needed the confidence to belive I could do it and I did !!! I’ve never shied away from talking about it as I have other people around me that suffer with it too, and Im a big believer that talking helps !! It’s just nice to talk to someone that doesn’t know you and isn’t Biest and if more people like us have the courage to come forward like you say then maybe we could all help each other. It’s funny cos after I wrote that msg to you I had a panick attack the next morning about it and I didn’t understand why at the time, but now thinking about it I think it was because it was the first time I opened up fully to someone els other than my friends or family but I also realised it felt good like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I am not ashamed of what I have been through and no one should ever feel like that because it takes great will power and courage to come through somthing like we have and it for me has made me a much stronger person. I am in no way cured and I’ll doubt that I will ever be but as long as there is the support from my family and friends and from people like you anon it makes it a little more bearable and easier to cope and deal with. One day and one step at a time Thankyou for taking time out to respond to me.

        1. That’s not a problem Kerry, I will gladly take time out of my day to talk to anyone with any panic/anxiety disorder and if it helps, bonus 🙂
          Ummmmm , I’m a believer in that I think everyone has different levels and different mind sets. I also believe that it may not be cured, but controlled . The mind is the most powerful tool on earth and we are all different.
          I have four siblings and although we share many traits, we all have different mind sets. Some people say that on meeting us together ‘you and your siblings are exact…. Just a phrase of speech. Because only one of them can relate to what I say, as he has experienced panic/anxiety for a spell , it passed thankfully, but that sibling is the one I turn to as the others thought it was alien and really struggled to look me in the eyes when I’d explain what was/is going on. I could see it in their eyes ‘our brother has a screw loose’ ‘he’s lost it’ 🙂
          totally understandable and no hard feelings, as to them, on the outside I am a healthy man and I’m not as crippled by it as I once was.
          So, what I’m hoping.
          Is that sufferers can open up little/lots , even use the site anonymously just to get that weight off their shoulders and read/talk with people who are walking the walk and not feel down when they get the ‘Crazy’ look from friends or family who may struggle to take in what they tell them.
          Keep spreading the word.
          I hope that this finds you well.
          Good evening and take care
          🙂

          1. Thank you AHayes 🙂
            I think that is the least I could do… I was a burden and they were amazing, they still are, but I tend to keep the chit chat light nowadays 🙂
            They can see the difference and I’m happy. Great people

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