It’s not easy quitting

Giving in can be a hard option. I’ve read a load of quotes paragraphs even heard people say that ‘quitting is an easy way out’
I don’t see it that way at times, I think some people jump on a bandwagon and without thinking of what is being quoted to them, they go with it. It instantly takes away that argument that you have with yourself when questioning something, which is in fact ‘the easy option’.
The amount of happy, friendly, enjoyable environments I have taken myself out of because of quitting is no ones business, but I’ve felt far worse for doing so let me tell you.
An example of this is when a real good friend decided to get married and invite me to celebrate the ceremony and evening with all of his loved ones.
The wedding was held at a lovely hotel in a beautiful part of Wales, the sun was shining spirits were high and a 52 seater coach awaited us to board.
I wasn’t feeling the best at this stage in my life, I was still coming to terms with these panic/anxiety attacks and it was new In my friends minds, which instantly sets off paranoia and the urge not to embarrass myself in front of the attendees.
As we boarded the bus, I knew I was in for a tough ride , two hours of boiling hot sunshine and a bus full of happy people, one with a mask on though.. I hoped they wouldn’t even look at me.
I took my sleeping tablet at around 11:30am hoping that I would be calm enough to last the journey. How wrong was I?! Within ten minutes of leaving it all started!! Ohh no!! There was no trigger , no warning just bang!! Instant palpitations and a feeling of get me out of this bus, I can’t breathe!!
As I normally do , I held on….onto my cousins hand. As I was tugging away He asked ‘what are you doing? You ok?’
‘No, I’m struggling here , how long have we got?’
‘Forty five minutes or so’
The thought of another forty five minutes became too much, I started to take my clothes off! I was sweating , my mind was all over the place and I needed to be calm. By this stage people had got wind of me topless at the back of the bus, asking how I was, taking a look at me etc… I didn’t care, I needed my mask to appear, why wasn’t my tablet hitting me?!
There was logic behind me holding a mans hand half naked at the back of a bus, in my mind anyway!
There was no way on earth that I was turning up to my friends wedding soaked in sweat and tears, so I put the air conditioning on, dabbed my neck with cold water and of course ‘held on’. We got there! All embarrassed and sheepish I put my clothes back on and walked into the ceremony.
I do not know if anyone else feels this but I feel like a constant let down. I’ve never ever been one for gaining people’s attention for the right reasons, I’m quite a mellow guy, but the wrong ones…… Yeah, over here!! It’s me! Throughout the ceremony i twitched non stop! Feelings coming and going, tension! You name it, I was feeling it! A few people noticed, which started off the fight between mind and body. Guess who lost? Me, again !
If I had actually been in a fit state to speak when the vicar had asked ‘now if anyone has anything to declare, say it now’ I’d have said ‘Vic, I am absolutely mental and need locking up mate!’
With the ceremony nearly over, I filled up. I could not control it! As the newly weds walked out first , my mate (groom) caught me with my head down and teary eyes.
The guests had all congregated in the bar while the food was being prepared, I found a hammock in some small garden of the hotel, sweaty panicky basically a big mess, the groom found me.
‘Thank you for coming today buddy, it means the world to me’
Only now I realise that those words could have been used for my benefit and how sincere they were. He knew I was struggling and totally went out of his way to comfort me. The words Could have eased part of my shame…Instead, on hearing them I crumbled more.
It was around 3pm and I was drained mentally and physically, that is when the groom came back and took me to his room at the hotel and told me to relax, it pains me to say that I spent the rest of the wedding in that room.
What kind of mate was I ? Why couldn’t I have held out ? What do people think of me…..? If I knew then what I now know, I can say that this would have been a more enjoyable experience all round.
That’s what I mean about its harder to quit. This day was amazing, it was a place where everyone gathered to celebrate this lovely occasion. I had to give it up in order for the party to continue without any focus or attention being drawn to me!! That’s how I felt at that time and no one or nothing could change my thoughts.

I wrote this blog as I always read posts through social media sites on positivity etc but also I saw my mates wedding album…..
The pics of the bride and groom with all of the guests killed me!! The groom with all of his mates, all of the mates holding the bride up in the air etc… I could go on, but you probably get the picture here (no pun intended) . I was not there. Because I QUIT that day, that was a worse experience than actually fighting through! It still haunts me to this day. Again, those thoughts, mainly, what a joke!!
The point I am trying to make is that, no matter how hard things get, always take the time to consider all of your options before deciding what to do. You may regret it, you may not. But be positive and be sure.
Only one person knows you best and you have to test your boundaries and capabilities in order to make the right decisions for YOU.

Have a good day/evening

Take care and be positive 🙂

1 Comment

  1. I read this blog this morning and to be honest wasn’t going to comment on it but then I thought no I may as well put my pennies worth in. I’m in a bad place mentally at the moment and must have said the words ‘I quit’, ‘I can’t do this’ a hundred times yesterday so this post got me thinking. My first childish and angry reaction on reading the first few lines was fuck this and this stupid blog if I want to quit I will – in my mind it is easier to quit. That’s my usual frustrated anxious reaction to everything when I’m like this. I don’t want to listen to anyone.

    Then I read on. My anger changed to heartache and despair because once again I found myself relating to that same sorry place. A head full of regrets and missed opportunities because when the anxiety shit hits the fan my default option is to quit. Facebook is a killer for rubbing the salt in the wounds – all those happy smiling faces to show you what you missed. Your life ebbing away as you hide behind closed doors.

    What would have been worse here though going to the wedding with the described outcome or not going at all? In my mind you didn’t quit you bloody got in that bus for starters and against the odds did what you could as best you could. Okay it didn’t go as you might have wanted it to but you had the strength to at least give it a go. That’s not a quitter. Although it wasn’t a great experience there were some positives to draw from it. You are right though quitting is harder in the longer term when the weeks and then years have passed and you realised what you’ve missed.

    I thought about myself again and the crossroads I am now at. I either quit again and retreat into my reclusive state or I get up and fight. I still don’t know what’s easier if I’m honest but I know I’ve got the tiniest of sparks of fire in my belly from reading this and in my heart I know I’ve got a life to live. I can’t reach old age with a head full of regrets. It will be too late then. No I’ve got to pick myself up, face those fears and try to accept that even if it’s hard it’s not going to kill me. Easier said then done and right now I don’t know if or how I can do this but come on people anyone with me? I could do with some back up here so let’s help each other.

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