I’ve never thought about dying before. I mean, I knew that one day we will all die, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. I had only 17 years to show for it, I didn’t need to consider it yet surely?
Nothing was out of the ordinary today; there were no signs showing me that today would be my final day.
It was all a little too sudden and that confused me. Would I get to see and tell my parents that I loved them?! I felt cheated almost, not even a good bye???
As it happens, I didn’t get to see them. So given the circumstances I chose my resting place; a bench near the shore – this is where I will die.
The palpitations in my head and chest intensified and my limbs instantly went numb. I shook uncontrollably and struggled to grasp my breath. I knew I was going to die! I had to speak to my parents somehow and tell them that I would not be coming home.
A bitter pill to swallow, but one in which I felt was compulsory and had to be taken.
Where’s my mobile phone? Could I even hold it? Can I focus and find their number?
Forget 999! There’s nothing they can do at this stage surely. I’m nearly done I need to hear their voices before I leave.
There are floods of tears, I’ve given up, I cannot control my body. My only wish now is that they have saved the voice mail and truly believe everything that I have said.
This is it! Everything becomes a blur…….
My eyes open, my mother is holding my hand , smiling but looking very tired and distressed.
That was my first panic attack.