I’ve never thought about dying before

I’ve never thought about dying before. I mean, I knew that one day we will all die, but I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. I had only 17 years to show for it, I didn’t need to consider it yet surely?

Nothing was out of the ordinary today; there were no signs showing me that today would be my final day.

It was all a little too sudden and that confused me. Would I get to see and tell my parents that I loved them?! I felt cheated almost, not even a good bye???

As it happens, I didn’t get to see them. So given the circumstances I chose my resting place; a bench near the shore – this is where I will die.

The palpitations in my head and chest intensified and my limbs instantly went numb. I shook uncontrollably and struggled to grasp my breath. I knew I was going to die! I had to speak to my parents somehow and tell them that I would not be coming home.

A bitter pill to swallow, but one in which I felt was compulsory and had to be taken.

Where’s my mobile phone? Could I even hold it? Can I focus and find their number?

Forget 999! There’s nothing they can do at this stage surely. I’m nearly done I need to hear their voices before I leave.

There are floods of tears, I’ve given up, I cannot control my body. My only wish now is that they have saved the voice mail and truly believe everything that I have said.

This is it! Everything becomes a blur…….

My eyes open, my mother is holding my hand , smiling but looking very tired and distressed.

That was my first panic attack.

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