There came a point, breaking point during the early stages where I gave up, I thought I could no longer continue to do the things that I loved to do most in my life.
After about sixteen months of having panic attacks, I slowly started to cut nearly all ties with society and my social life and was left with my family and some texts I’d reply to from my parents’ bedroom. I stopped doing the things that made me smile, the things in life I appreciated. Going out with mates, socialising, I was too afraid to walk the 200 yards to the local shop to pick up groceries. Looking back now, I can see, that this was a really bad move but at the time, I wanted nothing more to do with any of it. I didn’t feel ‘normal’
It started, well it all starts with gossip. People feed from other peoples misery (well I’ve witnessed that loads of people do) I don’t know why this is, it happens in all walks of life. If your not talking about so and so, there has to be some ‘exciting BAD news’…. But I have an idea of why, I think it is because they are so insecure of their lives bodies and secrets, that they will go out of their ways so that someone else is the topic of mind and discussion. When really, they need to grow a pair and respect others. My bit of ‘gossip’ had reached the rounds, I received a large amount of texts asking of my current state etc from friends, Facebook friends (the insecure ones that walk past you on the street, but grow balls behind a screen), yes I know I am writing as anonymous, but it’s not as if I’m sleeping with 20 women, this is difficult to write emotionally. Anyways, I play football (soccer for all of you Americans who play football with your hands 🙂 ) not at a high level, but I play. Since the age of five, i fell in love, and it’s kept me out of grief and reasonably fit. I was playing in a semi final one evening, against a local rival. Warming up before the match, I never look around to see who’s there , I play and go home. But as the team were warming up I heard the words……. ‘panic attack’
Fuck!!! Paranoid, freaked out, I looked up to see where it came from, could not see anybody looking , by this time I was gone, it had crept into my head and my focus was not on a ball let me tell you. We went back in to kit up, as I walked through the door, a voice… ‘Don’t panic tonight you fucking freak!!’ And a group of men laughing at me in one corner of the ground.
As soon as that door closed, I started to crumble! That sensation, I couldn’t think !! Palpitations, dizziness… my head was under the shower!!! I was telling myself repeatedly ‘Don’t fucking embarrass yourself, don’t you dare! Please!’
I lasted FOUR minutes of that game.
I told the coach that I had pulled a muscle and headed off. As I walked off I could hear that group, making nasty remarks laughing etc…. I hid my head in my shirt and walked into the dressing rooms.
From there I kicked a few doors in, threw my boots across the room, had s massive rage!!!!
Then I cried for about half an hour slumped in the corner of the shower. The embarrassment, I was mortified!!! the panic attacks started to repeat so I took a ‘sleeping tablet’, a fucking sleeping tablet?! It was my mask. I knew this would work.
As the tablet calmed me down, I then got my father to collect me from the back entrance of the ground and straight back to ‘my world’ (their bedroom floor). Where I thought I was safe, but as you all know I was as safe there, as If I was anywhere. The mind is a bastard at times, so powerful and I couldn’t handle it!! The paranoia, people’s opinions, a little bit of pressure ….. I’d have a panic attack on the spot!
To describe myself back then, I’d say that I was an absolute joke, a pathetic excuse of a man!
Ask me now, I’d say I was just inexperienced and uneducated.
I’m happy to say that after a year and a half and a few attempts with struggle, I went back and still play now (can take some abuse too 🙂 ).
I’ve tried to go over it in my mind from the abusers’ points of view. Why would you do that? What is the point?
My my, the gossip won that night, but it has helped me to try and understand my mind learn to control my thoughts and emotions and appreciate the little things in life.
Don’t kick someone while they are down! Read the book, don’t go by the reviews.
Have a good night/day people.
Stay safe and keep smiling.