Finding that kid

There are many many people if not all, in all aspects of life who are fighting some sort of demons that are within their heads. There is not a person that can go through life without questioning something or letting something get to them. Whether it be changing the colour of their hair or thinking your barking mad because of panic attacks. I am the latter of the two. Hair is hair, I will wash it, brush it, cut it all off…. Still, it’s hair!
Unfortunately, some people,like you and I , do not or did not possess the ammunition to combat these thoughts and feelings or we aren’t / weren’t ready for them. As I’ve stated before, they hit you like a Mike Tyson uppercut and almost leave you as punch drunk… Not a nice place.
I still to this day, 14 and a half years on cannot get to grips with the big panic attacks. The thoughts of dying, the frustration, the confusion, the anger. the physical symptoms such as the palpitations, numbness, dizziness, the shakes and the fright I.e. The wetting myself.
I never ever once thought that a panic attack could lead to this!! 90% of them are sort of the same but yet the trigger now can come from anywhere! Any bad bit of news I see hear or read…. I can crumble in an instant! That is what I hate!
Have I become a soft touch over night ? Am I weak in the mind? i beat myself up so much over thisand still , not many replies to help my cause…
Rember when you were a kid? Not a care in the world, school, mates, home, bed. Repeat until Saturday came… Then wander about with mates all weekend getting up to all kinds of nonsense! Not once did I stop to consider death, heart attacks, or my mental health. We as kids were fearless innocent and carefree. Invincible almost. The reason for asking is that over Christmas, I must have read about fifty tweets which really pissed me off, all aimed at mental health sufferers, claiming to be providing support. I’ll give you an example, not word for word.
Dec 23rd: Don’t worry, Christmas is nearly over. You will get through it hopefully.
Supportive? Are you fucking kidding me?! You call that support????
Why not: Christmas is here 🙂 time to be happy, we are here to help you through this period of needed 🙂
Because I’ll speak to anyone on any day of the week to try and help and so would thousands of other good people. I’ve spoken to many on social media and yes I understand that any time of the year doesn’t really matter as mental illness cannot be switched off, not even for Christmas. But maybe it can, if we say the right things? some real support, be positive, be a pair of ears to lend. I feel it would help more anyway.

Well I want to, have been trying to find that kid in me again! I feel it is the only way to overcome these constant negative thoughts when I have panic attacks. So I have tried some things which seem to work. Obviously we have jobs , financial cares, families etc but aside from that we do not have to think or feel like ‘adults’ when those are taken care of. How should an adult act or think???
There are no rules put in place to say that ‘you’ve hit your twenties thirties etc time to grow up! Stop everything!’
Why become a sheep?  Fuck that. So what you can to improve your current situation.
So I’ve decided to not care what anyone other than my closest think of me. When I get free time with my son, my fiancée , nephews etc rather than mope about sit in a corner thinking about dying and command pity, which I have done for a long time, it saddens me to even write that!! I will try and make them smile in any way I can and believe me, it is far better for all parties . There is nothing more satisfying for me, than making the people I care about smile! It’s contagious 🙂 when I see their faces light up, it ignites the fire in my belly and puts a smile on my ugly mug 🙂
I’ll dance about, paint my face, become a clown, fall flat on my face for my son. Because his/their laughter has become a cure. No masks prescribed from the Doc, free cures for however long I want it.
I know it’s hard at times, I struggle big time. You only have to ask my fiancée , it must be so hard for her at times seeing me in a slump missing out on so much due to my mental illness beating me. We have had quite a few arguments over the time, I bite back, but deep down I know, she is 110% correct. It’s just really hard to swallow when you hurt loved ones without intent….
So I have written my first blog of the year.
I’d say that the message is pretty simple.
I do not claim to be anyone special, my words may be read and not taken in, but I think that smiling and happiness is a better medicine than any Doctor will ever provide us.
So find your happiness, be strong and try to be as happy as you can when your at that crossroads with your mind (do I crumble or do I fight??).

Try and find that kid again 🙂

Good night/day my friends,
Happy new year



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