Here we go!! Sorry I’ve not blogged in a while. I have been gearing up for change. This mental illness is not holding me back anymore.
I’m on board, my second flight, the first was four days previously heading out to Paris however, I was in no fit state to do a blog. The apprehension and suspense of getting into a plane 29,000 feet above ground level had me by the bollocks shall we say.
Anyway, we are on the runway, all I can say at this moment in time is that I am absolutely shitting myself petrified!!!!!! I have absolutely no time for soppy bollocks yet though, I’m here for change and my son is sat behind (watching everything like a hawk) alongside my fiancée. I am sat a row ahead with my nephew and mother in law so that he cannot see my fear.
We are in the air, Sorry about the minute by minute paragraphs but I’m giving you a live blog tonight! 🙂
The butterflies start, then the thoughts, I keep telling myself ‘it’s going to be fine and you can’t make a fool out of yourself’.
I swallowed a clonazepam about twenty minutes ago and wouldn’t you know it, as I always say, the brain is the most powerful thing on earth and it’s kind of told my sedative to ‘fuck off’ and I’m full of adrenaline!
I’m feeling real dizzy, the tension around my head is massive and my palpitations are humongous. I’m asking myself ‘Have I experienced this before?’ Yes I have. But still, my mind is up to its old tricks again….. Bastard!
Trying to write this is really difficult , I cannot relax one bit, paranoid that folk are looking at me, I just don’t want to fuck up. Ohh and the cuppa tea trolley is about five rows down with 30mins left. More annoyingly though is that my mind is going 150mph, I can control some of it as my son is loving it which makes me smile. It’s just those little blips where I overthink and it becomes physical i.e. ‘I’m 29,000 feet in the air. I can’t fucking breathe!! And…. I can’t get out for some fresh air. It’s in those small pockets that I am most vulnerable, I’m sure most of you will agree have experienced it? Give me time to think and it will evolve into something massive. Only bad though.
Tea has just arrived, The ordering, paying and adding milk and sugar took up 10 minutes and I did not have one symptom, mind totally occupied. amazing what a cup of tea can do hey?! If you’re ever afraid or are a nervous flyer, order a brew 😉 my Mam is always right, a cuppa will sort anything out (cheers Mam).
Landing, seat belts on we are heading for the strip. As soon as the captains voice is heard the tension becomes less and less disabling, I feel light, no headache, no palpitations. But most of all, I feel proud!! I fought a fear and I’m still here.
I have done it and the craziest thing is my clonazepam starts to work.
So again, I question wether or not I really needed to take any sedatives. I was always going to feel anxious, the feelings over took the medication so with some hard work and the correct mindset I may have a go without taking anything and just ride it out.
But we shall see…. You never can tell with a mental illness. But I’m learning not to quit on myself, not let my life pass me by with any regrets. We all will have some I believe, but let’s make them tiny 😉
Most of all, I created happy memories with my family (a new chapter!!)
I thank them all for having patience and kind hearts, they are amazing. X