It has been a while since my last post, if you do enjoy reading them I apologise.
Over the past few months a lot has happened. I’ve also come to realise that people who have mental illness’ really need to open up and speak out.
I’ve also thought about revealing my identity, just to give people that nudge/confidence to talk.
Things have happened in my private life and I have been left looking for answers….. and all I can point to is my inability to open up and join the real world !!!
I’m not saying that my anxiety and thoughts have turned me into a zombie however, I get so wrapped up with things that I miss what’s really in front of me and forget to live almost!!!
Yes, I understand that life is full of ups and downs, you will get good and bad days. But it’s those days where the tiniest of detail count, I’m lost in thought missing it all. A conversation, an event, I have missed! Not due to ignorance but I’m just forgetting to smile and have a crack at life.
These things I know:
A panic attack will not kill me.
It will pass.
And life doesn’t stop for anyone!
Anyway, I’ve been living with my best mate for the last four months who has a wife and two kids, a son who has autism and a younger daughter. For years we have been talking and he has been telling me about the highs and the lows (which are crazy!) he has with his son. His son is seven and has only been able to communicate enough for a couple of years after extensive and thousands of pounds worth of therapy. And I let panic attacks grip me enough so that I fail to communicate!!! Now do I feel ignorant? The answer, yes!
Getting used to living with this class act of a family has opened my eyes and made me realise that we have to try and live no matter what the circumstances. Yes, it can be difficult but we have to try. At 10:30pm I now sometimes find myself walking along the beach front with my mate and his son…. 10:30 you say? Seven years old? My mates reply ‘This is his life , there’s no routine with autism for me, this is his ‘happyness’ (spelled wrong, as his favourite film is In pursuit of Happyness) so I’m going to do what makes my son happy’. We sit on the beach light a fire and the lad runs all across the sand as happy as you like! Although he cannot communicate it well verbally, you can see it in his eyes and his body language.
The reason for writing tonight?
Things have been up and down of late, felt a few different emotions…. who do I blame? My anxiety! When all I had to do was communicate and engage. Things may not be how I intended, but I’ll keep my head up and learn.
Because at the end of it, we are all here do do the same thing. To try and live our lives in the best ways possible, no matter what our circumstances.