Desperation:

Twenty five years old and clinging onto anyone and everything to stay with me….. I mean stay with me 24 hours a day! I was like a baby, needed care, reassurance, just to hear familiar voice. I was desperate!!!

It had got to the stage where I was having attacks numerous times a day, the amount of times I told my parents ‘I’m dying’ was countless. But I cannot explain it any other way. Quite plain and simple…. You’re dying!

The physical symptoms, the numbness, the shaking, the palpitations, headaches, dizziness, blurred vision (not all at once) there are more too, also the thoughts that tag along with these physical symptoms are so powerful that they take everything out of you and leave you in a helpless mess crying for help and breathless. What would you think? Unless you have experienced it, I don’t think it’s fair to ask but I respect people who try to understand it all. I don’t like separating myself from ‘normal’ people, not one person on this planet is normal, in my opinion. So we shouldn’t say ‘They just don’t understand’, I do not like reading that… it kind of puts them in a ‘They don’t care’ bracket, but they really do!! Honestly.

I try to stay away from the subject if I can (I will explain further on).

After every attack I have ever had, I quietly speak to the skies and thank whoever is up there ‘Thanks for getting me through that, another day alive’ but still, after going through them, you’d think that I’d just tell myself that its ok, embrace it, as the worst that could possibly happen is for me to feint.

This part is so easy to write, but try telling someone that has convinced themselves that they are goners! you literally give up and just wait for it to happen.

It got to a stage. This is pretty hard for me to write this I must admit,

I was 23 I could no longer handle the thought of laying in my room alone at night having these attacks. So decided to sleep on my parents’ bedroom floor for a night or two. cut a long story short ok, it became a fixture I was dependant on these people. Two years later there was the shape the size of a six foot two inch body shaped within their carpet.

Every night more or less I slept on that floor, some good nights, but 90% bad.

I never ever thought of it!! For two fucking years!! How selfish was that? I could have ended their marriage, I was twenty three, sleeping in my parents’ room!

I only realised how much this was effecting them by accident, or I do not know how much longer id have slept there. I was running a bath at about 23:30 one night but had forgotten a towel which was downstairs, as I passed the living room I could hear my mother crying to my father ‘I can’t live like this anymore…’, my heart sank, I knew exactly what my mother was talking about and my father assuring her ‘He will get better, I promise’.

Now to hear that, yeah, hit my like a fucking steam train!!!! I carried on listening, ‘What are we going to do? It’s been two years and he’s still on our floor’ ‘We can’t go anywhere’ etc. Basically I had taken over their lives.

What did I do??? I acted in the worst possible way. I burst in and ranted, it was all about me!

Ranted at my parents who had given me two years of their lives I should never have commanded, what an arsehole. To this day, that is the biggest regret I have.

Instead of ‘thank you so much for caring for me, I love you so much’ I go in and selfishly swear and punch doors. I could not control it, I had come dependant on them and expected pity.

I am actually filling up writing this, firstly because of the way I treated my PARENTS! Also, because if I take into account the love and time they give up for me, not my four siblings, just me, it is phenomenal!!

My father would sometimes, no not sometimes, OFTEN stay up with me all night and then got into work for 5am to do a twelve hour shift and come straight home to me, not my mother, me!

It got pathetic and something had to be done.

I worked on sleeping in my own room for a year, sounds pathetic as my Fiancée and I are teaching our son to do that very same thing right now. Anyways, it finally worked and they got a bit of their lives back. I was still heavily reliant, but they slept together, no crying from the twenty five year old in the corner. They slept. Their carpet was fucked! I don’t think they cared for the carpet though.

So two years of nearly messing up a great marriage and being a selfish bastard…

Six years on, I am in a much better place, for these six years I have avoided the slightest talk of panic/anxiety with my family. As long as they hear my voice on the phone a few times a week and see me often enough, they are happy and think I am done with it.

There is no need for me ever to tell them that I still have attacks, I wet myself on occasions too, still pretty forceful. It will pass… just be patient ey.

 

I think the message I am trying to put across here is that, even though you are thinking the worst, try to remember that people who do not suffer are new to this. So read this, try to keep your cool and try not to hurt loved ones, it will get better, there is a light I promise, I’m seeing it.

Do not hide away like I did!!!! Read this, talk to me, talk to anyone. There are thousands of blogs, links, etc. social media is massive and I am sure there is something there for you.

I am a bit emotional so will leave this here.

 

P.S Thank you Mam, thank you Dad, I love you (I have told them in person by the way 🙂

If I am half as good as these two, I know I’m onto a winner.

 

I hope this helps, wherever you may be in the world.

Take care and good night

😉

6 Comments

  1. Heart=wrenching. I could feel such anxiety reading it. It rang true. I also lived with and was dependent on my parents for two years. Two very long years, being agoraphobic, a severely depressed & suicidal, anxiety-ridden burden. Just like you, I can never show enough gratitude.

    1. I don’t know what to say, other than thank you for reading and also showing that I am not alone 🙂 just one reply that says ‘yes , I’ve experienced that’ has cleared the mind up a little 🙂 it was a horrible place to be in…
      I cannot thank you enough for the message Lisa.
      Much appreciated

  2. To our family’s we are Truley thankful without there love and support we wouldn’t have half the strength to find courage to deal with the challenges in life we face!!! We as parents now will never stop worrying about our children and will always protect and support them as much and as best as we can through there life’s in whatever they may face from now to the future not because we have to but because we love and cherish our children as they mean more to us than life it’s self and that is exactly what our parents have done for us anon

  3. I’ve been reading the blog a lot recently for hope and inspiration and came across this entry. I found this one so difficult to read as the impact of anxiety on those close to you can be a bitter pill to swallow. This post has been an eye opener for me and hopefully the kick up the backside I need to sort myself out. In the midst of it all, the anxiety and the attacks, it’s so hard to see things logically. It’s a selfish illness and yes it has been all about me too. You reach out to anyone or anything me do things without a thought of the consequences. Well at least not in the heat of the moment but beat yourself up about it afterwards. I’ve been a spoilt brat over the years, a drama queen and all out ass hole at times. I’ve lost friends, ruined social events, tarnished family occasions, missed opportunity after opportunity to do fun things and become pretty much a miserable, boring, hermit.

    It’s been easy to blame the illness and say I can’t help it but deep down I know I can. I’ve been asked at times whether I actually want to get better because I sure as hell haven’t done anything to make that happen. Obviously I do want to get better but it’s been easier not to face up to problem and deal with it. Reading this, looking in from the outside, I can see the impact this situation must have had on all in my heads family. This made me think about my own family particularly my husband who has always been so supportive. He’s never once blamed me for my selfish actions but does want me to get better. Not to make his life easier but for me to have a life and live it to the full. Not hiding away like I am at the moment which can only get worse. I need to get better and if I can take one thing from this blog it’s that even in the darkest, rock bottom of anxiety, you can beat it and come out fighting. I’m going to do this and when I get wobbly I’m going to read this again and again to remind me.

    1. Waw!!
      Now that is a blog in itself . To come on here and leave a comment like that takes some courage!! I do not care that you are anonymous , I struggle too, hence the Anon … But to open up like that and pour it all out with the raw facts is the main reason for me setting this up. It hits home and helps people who want to understand it more, it’s not a walk in the park, it’s hard hitting and the only way to portray it, Is by telling it like it is (I find). Along with previous comments, now, not only do sufferers and their families have my take on it, they also have a few different comments but relate to the same thing and I cannot thank you enough for sharing on my blog 🙂
      If this creates a snowball effect where even more people can open up and talk, I think sufferers can gain more strength and confidence and talk more!! Even if it does not and people are just quietly reading them now and again as you also do Anonymous, I hope that they can gain as much also.
      What an amazing comment!!
      Well done and thank you 🙂

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