Most attacks I can deal with these days,the thoughts the slight physical symptoms , they are ok…well not ok, but I’ve learned how to cope over time if you know what I mean.
The problem I get is when that huge sensation comes on and I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell anyone what is going on. Because of the dependency I built up with those closest, work is not the kind of place where you want to be crying and clinging onto someone your not at all comfortable with !
How do you tell them???
‘Excuse me mate, I’m not being funny, but I’m fucking dying, can you help?’
How would you take that?!
It’s happened throughout my working life, I’m not sure if I believe in God or not, I’ve never been into religion much as it causes wars, divides people and families etc but anyway, as I get out of the car, I look up to whoever is up there and ask ‘please let me get through it without embarrassment’. I stilldo it at times now.
For years, it would be like Groundhog Day ! Just living to get through the day, one at a time. Not once could I plan ahead in hope of a good weekend, or a date! What was a date?? Half of my twenties can be wiped off the record. It’s something I deeply regret, but it’s happened so tough shit! There are people far worse off than me, so I cannot complain or moan.
However, I am at a job now where that comfort has been restored in a way, it’s a great place. I knew that from my interview.
I walked in chatted for about twenty minutes and felt all of the sensations building, I had to try and explain quickly that I suffered severely with anxiety/panic attacks. As I started to explain my boss cut in ‘no way?’
I thought ‘here we go, thanks for your time’
My boss ‘Do you think your dying?’
Me ‘Excuse me?’
My boss ‘When you have them? You feel like you’re going to die don’t you? I had them for several years, house ridden, scared of my own shadow, a horrible feeling’
All I could think of to reply at that moment was ‘fucking hell’ probably not the greatest of replies to your potential boss ey?? 🙂
My boss smiled, I felt like crying!!!! I AM NOT ALONE! I felt at ease.
I have been in this Job for nearly five years now, my colleagues are great and so understanding, most days are good however, when I have a bad attack, the palpitations, the numbness, breathlessness, the thoughts of dying (thankfully I’ve not wet myself in work as yet 🙂 ) you will find me half naked in the disabled toilet with my head under the cold tap talking to myself, mainly calling myself an idiot etc. As I am in the middle of one, they can last up to an hour, I take a tablet (clonazepam, another of my bad addictions, my second mask) that takes the intensity of the attack and allows me to get back to my job sooner. I only wish I had a turn off switch for my thoughts and anxiety….. But unfortunately I do not, that is why im lucky, I work for a great company and I’m surrounded by understanding people who do nothing but try to help. some sufferers do not have these surroundings and will suffer alone, which is and can be a very dark place.
So the reason for this blog is to share and help, but also to ask;
Do you go through this, or share a similar problem?
How do you feel about them?
How do you cope in these situations?
Let’s talk, we can help each other.
Have a good evening my friends
Be safe and take care