the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity…
Over the years, I have been prescribed numerous anti depressants, sedatives or medication related to or to aid my illness/condition that have worked and not worked. By ‘worked’ I mean, they masked me for a period.
I became an insomniac as time got on and after about four years of panic/anxiety attacks, in 2004 a doctor introduced me to a sleeping tablet called Zopiclone……..
That was my condition of being addicted to a substance.
My saviour! my peace! My get out of jail free card if ever I felt that bastard sensation!
Let me tell you something; it is now 2014 and I am still taking them and was addicted!!!
Dependant, reliant, they became my life, my way back into society, nothing could touch me for four hours at least.
The more I took, obviously the more my body became used to them and over time I’d need more to get the same hit, resulting in me running out of tablets too soon.
I have sat at the doctors door crying my eyes out. I used to take two a day at times, maybe three and dread the day I’d run out.
I know now, but didn’t up until about five years ago, how much of a nuisance/asshole I became due to my addiction of these tablets.
I’d run out two weeks before my next lot;
‘Dad, please phone the doctor, I need to see him, I can’t cope’
I’d arrive at the doctors;
‘Doc, please can I have more tablets? I’ve taken a months worth within two weeks. Please! I’m begging you!’
‘Yes. But this is the only time I’ll do it for you, but one at night ok?’
The doctor could see that I was a wreck… But relentlessly handed me a prescription.
‘Yeah ok, Yes, of course, cheers doc’ I’d shake his hand with relief!!!
My head would be saying ‘nah, see you in another two weeks’.
I have lost count of the times I have been back and fore to the doctors door, to the staff at the chemist, using my parents, aunties even! Arguing, ranting, raving…. I look back now and think, what a dickhead. But it was out of control, they made me feel ‘normal’. I hope parents or loved ones of sufferers will read this and try to understand that the person suffering is in desperate need…. Patience and sense. Because the sufferer does not know what’s hit them! Well that’s how it felt for me, my life wasn’t real.
I had a mind set of; I need my fucking fix and I don’t care what I say or do to get it. Then i was happy.
Writing that felt absolutely disgusting, but it happened, I’d lie to loved ones, do what I could to get my mask! For fuck sake, (I’m shaking my head) I think ‘patience of a saint ey?’
I never ever read the leaflet that comes with the tablets but my partner, who may I say is probably one of the most caring people I have met, did. I watch in awe at the way she cares for and loves our son….,
After long discussions over months about my panic/anxiety she said out of the blue one day, ‘you have been taking your medication for about eight years more than you should, you know that don’t you?’
I ran to get the leaflet. It read;
PLEASE DO NOT TAKE FOR LONGER THAN A 3 WEEK PERIOD, IF YOU DO PLEASE SEEK PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. (Along those lines)
Three weeks!! Eight years later i’m here writing this, thinking of all of the things I’ve done, said , even lied about over these tablets.
But a doctor can let me have them for eight years and really abuse them, has he even read the fucking leaflet??
Part of the reason for this blog is so that you do not end up doing those things hide away or get fobbed off by a doctor who may need a career revamp. I am not here to slate any people in the medical profession, I have only encountered one or two GP’s that are half hearted…. (I’ve changed doctors since 😉 ) I thoroughly respect and thank them for everything they do for all. Its a great thing to help people 🙂
Look, I’m not after fame, I have no money, I am not materialistic, I’m just an average guy that really wants to share his story and help. Because I am living it! It’s as simple as that.
Without doctors, without hypnotherapy or therapists etc who charge over the odds. Yes, everyone has to make a living, granted. But not everyone can afford the prices, it’s a problem.
So let’s talk. Or you can just read, that’s fine by me 🙂
Take care 😉